Welp.
I stood on the scale this morning, and let me tell you, the combination of honeymoon, Christmas, and way too much Stranger Things has officially caught up to me.
Post holiday weight gain.
Logically, I understand exactly where that extra weight came from.
But emotionally?
Yeah… it still sucks.
And that’s the thing no one talks about.
Our relationship with the scale isn’t just numbers and logic. It’s emotional. It pushes buttons. It triggers reactions the health and fitness industry has spent billions of dollars trying to exploit.
Which is why stepping on the scale after the holidays often leads to some wildly irrational decisions.
So instead of writing another article about why detoxes don’t work and telling you to “just relax,” I figured I’d give you a less rational, more practical game plan—because the scale doesn’t always bring out our most rational selves.
Welcome to the Irrational Detox Plan.
Irrational Step One: Drink Some Damn Water
Chances are… you’re dehydrated.
Honestly, you’re probably some level of dehydrated most of the year. Add holiday wine, cocktails, late nights, salty foods, and travel—and it’s almost guaranteed right now.
So hydrate.
Your body works better when it’s properly hydrated.
Your joints feel better.
Your brain works better.
Your energy improves.
And yes… all systems work better.
Including the one everyone pretends doesn’t exist.
Poop.
Which leads us perfectly into step two.
Irrational Step Two: Fiber (Yes, We’re Talking About Pooping)
You’re probably a little backed up.
High-fat, low-fiber holiday foods will absolutely do that to you.
Most adults eat less than half of the recommended daily fiber intake throughout the year—and it’s usually even lower during the holidays.
I’m not saying you need to buy a jug of Metamucil and start chugging it.
Just eat real food.
• Raspberries
• Oranges
• Potatoes (with the skin on)
• Vegetables in general
Fiber helps get things moving again and improves blood sugar control—which means fewer energy crashes during the day.
And fewer energy crashes lead us nicely into…
Irrational Step Three: Move Your Body (But Chill About It)
One of the best ways to get things moving… is to get moving.
This is not a “get back in the gym and burn it off” speech.
Simple, easy movement stimulates digestion.
Think walking after meals.
Ten minutes is plenty.
Bonus points if you can get some sunlight while you’re at it.
No intensity. No punishment. Just movement.
Why This Works (And Why Detoxes Seem to Work)
Here’s the quiet truth:
Most detox cleanses “work” because they accidentally do three things:
• Increase water intake
• Increase fiber
• Increase movement
People drink more fluids, eat fewer processed foods, and move more because they’re on a “health kick.”
So instead of buying into whatever “New Year Everybody Poops Cleanse” the kid at GNC is trying to sell you…
Just do the basics.
More water.
More fiber.
More movement.
That’s it.
No panic. No punishment. No detox tea required.
Jesse
